Be honest with me: when was the last time you wrote a letter? No, not text. No, not an overpriced Hallmark card from the clearance section of your local Walgreens or Rite Aid. A pen-to-paper, digits-to-keyboard, honest-to-God letter.
That’s what I thought (and it low-key shows).
This decided lack of writing and receiving these tokens of affection further forces the wedge between us and our sacred self-knowledge in romantic affairs. You have to be truly certain to write a letter to your beloved, none of this hand-wringing, well I don’t know if it’s that serious nonsense. It’s boring, milquetoast, and played out by now and you know it.
When you receive a heartfelt letter, you’ll know where the bar should be set at that precise moment and the future, even if you and your flame don’t last forever. You’ll know you’re that bitch, but specifically, the one who has letters written about and for them.
You are the thing of legends. Men should be crashing their ships into the jagged cliffs because they are so utterly bewitched by you. The wordiest among us should be rendered speechless when your gaze meets theirs. Your steadfastness and vulnerability are covetous. And so is your beloved.
And all of this comes through and then some when someone takes the time to carefully craft a letter to you. And it should inspire action in you, too.
Words have immense power and potency, and I dare you to take a peak inward and begin using them with more intention.
This leads me to my challenge for you: I shall teach you how to write a love letter, you will write one for your beloved, and they’d better return the favor in some meaningful way (or else).
Anatomy of a Love Letter
Stage 1: Get Inspired
What do you do when you try anything for the first time whether it be a new drawing utensil or experimenting with cooking?
You get curious, darling.
Hop onto Pinterest and type in “love letter aesthetic” or visit your local, indie bookshop and peruse the poetry section. Start sifting through your dusty playlists on Spotify and find the songs that remind you of your love interest and how they make you feel. Pop on a Nora Ephron movie because When Harry Met Sally (1989) was assigned viewing for my Intimate Relationships class for my Counseling Psychology undergraduate degree for a reason.
You see early love, slow-burn love, platonic love, good and bad arguing, and communication overall. You see people falling in love with people’s quirks and presumed flaws, but they’re enduring to the one who loves them dearly.
Another excellent touchpoint, if you’re looking for inspiration, is Letters to Véra, the collection of letters Vladimir Nabokov wrote to his wife of 52 years throughout their courtship and eventual marriage. You see a mix of discussing the day-to-day, you see the craving, you witness the longing.
Nobody penned longing for his beloved quite like Nabokov.
Pick up this mammoth of a book and prepare to have your pants wooed off.
Whichever areas of interest and inspiration you flock to, remember that it’s just that: inspiration. Don’t plagiarize Dakota Warren because you’re feeling like your work will never stack up. The through-line that connects these embodiments of loving out loud is that they’re personal.
Now is not the time to get lazy.
Be brave.
Stage 2: Mise on Place
Now that your notes app or Notion page is thick with ideas, quotes, and literary, art, and film references, you might feel like it’s time to start pouring your guts onto the page.
Not so fast, Casanova.
I recommend organizing your thoughts before starting the letter in earnest.
No, it’s not because I lack faith in your literary prowess. On the contrary: since you’re new to this, I want you to feel as confident as possible when you do the damn thing.
Think back to the last time you had to write an email that made you anxious or an essay that you were…moderately secure about composing.
What made it harder? It was making it up as you go without so much as a loose outline because even the slightest roadblock or inconvenience sends you into a complete spiral.
What made it even a touch easier to keep the momentum going? Mapping out how you plan on starting, developing, and wrapping up the work in question.
On the other hand, this step isn’t an invitation to succumb to rumination. The right mix is taking it seriously, treating it with importance, and not elevating it so much that it feels like it’ll make or break your chances with the apple of your eye. Part of taking yourself seriously is gathering notes about how you want to open, what you want to say, and how you want to say it. It’ll make you feel more confident as you engage in something vulnerable and ensure you don’t focus too much on one thing in your letter.
The closest parallel I can offer is writing a speech as a best man or maid of honor. You don’t want to talk all about yourself, you want to center the other person the right amount and want to ensure it’s got a good balance of the points you wanted to hit. You don’t want to panic and only turn in a few lines. And you certainly don’t want your beloved to feel like they need to break out a dictionary to follow because you tried hard to impress them with your loquaciousness.
Embrace the pause and allow yourself to occupy the archetype of the lover in its entirety.
Stage 3: Cook (and Clean as You Go)
Alright, now you are permitted to write.
Grab your pen and fine stationery or open a blank Google doc - this is what you’ve been working towards this whole time.
I want you to set the tone to keep you in the right headspace when you write. Play music that gets you going but doesn’t distract you too much from your main objective. Add in just the right amount of mood lighting so you feel the energy but can easily keep up with what you’re doing. Pour yourself a spot of tea, a glass of wine, or some kombucha that you can sip slowly. Have a photo or two of your beloved at your side.
Part of effective love letter writing is treating the process of penning the letter as intimate because this final letter is an act of intimacy.
And now, I want you to take some deep breaths, take a good look at your beloved, and pour your soul onto the page.
This part is a bit more choose-your-own-adventure because it hinges on how you do your best writing. Do you need to drop your notes and build and refine as you go? Are you the type that needs to word vomit and then clean it up after you’ve had a good night of sleep or two to let it all sink in? Do you need to spend a bit more time polishing your notes so you can visualize the whole thing from top to bottom? Go with what flows or pick one and try it out for size. Add more later on if it suits you or edit it down if it’s bordering on short story length. You can start by aiming for a few paragraphs or a page or two.
In terms of the structure, you can use this as a general template:
Dear Love,
A sweet comment. A note about the day. An observation.
More sweet nothings. Get detailed about your affections and immense longing.
Reflect on a memory together and how it changed you. How they make you feel.
Compare them to a flower, fruit, or precious fowl. More observations. More sweet nothings.
I adore you/you are my world/you are the light of my life.
XO,
Your name/nickname.
If you’ve taken a pass at this once already, I can imagine what you must be thinking: omg, cringe.
Well, I’ve got news for you: cringe separates you from the casuals who only think they’re serious about romance and being romanced right back.
Don’t overthink it. Great love stories are not born, they’re made.
Bonus: Garnish
If you want to sweeten it, throw in a flower or two (or a dozen), a pressed flower, their favorite gemstone, a mixtape, or a carefully curated Spotify playlist.
Apply some lipstick and kiss the page or seal your letter with a wax seal stamp.
Spritz a touch of perfume or run it under palo santo or incense smoke so your final letter has the essence of you and your aromas.
It might feel a little extra or witchy, but I’m here to tell you that’s the point and part of the fun.
You’re putting the final touches on a love letter, boring or playing it safe isn’t your style.
The Demonstration (Putting it all Together):
Alright, alright. I get it, maybe you’re still a little intimidated.
Allow me to properly demonstrate what this could look like for you in case you need a final example or perhaps affirmation if you are second-guessing yourself:
My Lord,
I hope you’re doing well while you’re supervising the youth trip. Since the kids are being told not to spend all of their time on the phone, I wanted to write you to resist the impulse to text you every hour (we’ll see if that really stops me though).
I can only imagine what the kids must be getting up to while you’re there. How is it going with the other chaperones? Remember, when you feel like you’re in over your head, trust I have complete faith in you. You were born to do this work and they’re all so lucky to have you. When you find that you’re doubting yourself, come back to this and remember I’m always with you and you are so incredibly capable.
I know it’s only a few nights that you’ll be away, but it already feels like an eternity. Tasha and I made plans to do the wine-tasting weekend trip we’ve been putting off for years! Sure, we can’t drink like we used to, but it’s mostly about the experience. I’m so jealous of all the amazing things you must be eating out there. Have you gotten around to finding Yakamein? Your quest for finding the spiciest food possible is so endearing to me, your adventurous spirit makes me adventurous. You must describe it to me as best you can, same with beignets. I know we’ve both had them on our last trip together, but I want to hear it through your frame of mind. Nobody sees or savors life quite like you.
It’s the little things I miss the most. I miss your gentle snoring or how you put an ungodly amount of hot sauce on your breakfast sandwich in the morning. I miss feeling safe and seen by you. Yes, even after all these years, how you look at me makes me speechless. When I’m with you, I feel the most beautiful. You grip me like a sturdy hand clutching a pomegranate, taking its time in palpating leathery skin. I pry open with ease under your care because I am for you alone. Membrane, arils, seeds, juice in its entirety.
I may be missing you more than I expected. But that just means I will have even more caresses to spare when you return. I eagerly await your stories, but more than anything, your presence alone is what I long for the most.
The week is short yet long. Hang in there and know I’m always a phone call away if you can set aside a few minutes to ring me. I hope you’re having a wonderful time. I love you, I adore you, I miss you.
Until we chat next. XOXO,
Your Lady
And there you have it.
Now go forth and try it out for yourself. When in doubt, be more brazen. Bear your soul.
The love letter requires it.