Seduce Me (Revisited): Part 1 - The Reintroduction

Or why you're still hot with Moon Face.

“You know Selena Gomez?” 

“I…know of her…She has the same birthday as my husband. I’m not really too into her music -”

“Oh wow! Well, she’s a beautiful woman. And you know she has Lupus!”

“Sure-”

“She has to be on steroids a good amount. So her weight fluctuates, but wouldn’t you say she’s still a beautiful woman?”

I nodded, squinting and searching his face.

Dr. L nodded. “Now let’s talk about your food allergy results… What do you think you’re allergic to?”

Did…did Dr. L try to tell me I’m hot even with Moon Face?

Photo by Teslariu Mihai on Unsplash

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I remember this exchange like it happened minutes ago. 

No, I don’t have Lupus. But when your allergy testing goes like mine did, you can’t write things off like that right away. 

And I’ve felt a host of things about this conversation since it happened on December 30, 2020. Even at that moment, I thought, who is this man? Why is he bringing this up? Is this even appropriate? Maybe he’s just trying to be nice? Is this man even capable of helping me develop a plan of care beyond steroids forever? 

All of this was racing through my head while my back itched up a storm. 

All trees. All grass. Ragweed. Molds. Cats. Dogs. Now potential food allergies. But I’m still hot even with Moon Face. I guess I have that going for me…?

For those who read the piece I published about the anniversary of my near-death experience (if you haven’t read Botched Savior and need to be updated on this segment of my ~lore~, here you go), some of this is more context for you. You already know what my lowest low, my health taking a nose-dive, and resettling into a new normal looks like. 

Revisiting Botched Savior recently was fine until I got to this: “Situations are what they are, and there will surely be more situations to reckon with as the years go by. I can’t go back, but I can go forward shamelessly. “

This knocked the wind out of me for two reasons:

1. I haven’t been great at taking my advice lately. I’ve been reckoning with situations, but not embracing my trademark shamelessness and bravery.

2. Dr. L’s bold-as-they-were-odd sentiments made sense to me for the first time. 

It’s a unique flavor of devastating to be 33 and feel like I’ve lost years I can never get back. The years I so looked forward to.

In my mid-20s, when I first wrote the Seduce Me series on my WordPress blog, I longed to be in my 30s. I felt like I was aging into my true form. 30+ meant people would begin chilling on asking when I’m going to have kids. 30+ meant not being a mother but being Mother. 30+ meant I’d have more disposable income and feel freer.

And here I am, 33, and feeling trapped and grieving what I’ve loved.

I felt trapped by my new normal with my health. Trapped by what feels like an insurmountable amount of credit card debt and the feeling I’ll stay stuck at my day job. Or even the fear that I’m just not hot anymore (when Chappell Roan said, “Who can blame a girl? Call me hot, not pretty” I FELT THAT).

I don’t know if this is what he meant by it, but I believe Dr. L’s awkward moment was about challenging the narrow views of what is beautiful when we look at ourselves. It was about extending to ourselves the same kindness we would extend to others without question.

He was likely positing that if it’s obvious that Selena Gomez is gorgeous, no matter her weight at the moment, why did that apply to her and not to me?

I’ve been feeling called to resurrect this series to fight for the version of me I aspired to have at this point in my life. 

In the original run of Seduce Me, I wrote, “…I owe it to myself to not only work hard but love hard too.”

Amid illness, life changes, family dynamics shifting, and life overall, I lost that. I have no issue working hard, but loving yourself hard? That’s a different beast. 

And I just don’t recognize myself. Old Emmy used to travel solo without a shred of fear in me. I used to talk to strangers and relish how their eyes lit up when they realized that the spur-of-the-moment conversation we were having would be one we’d both remember forever. I used to show more of my body online or as a burlesque performer because bodies are beautiful and sacred and profane and should be celebrated and witnessed. Hell, in the basement of Pleasure Chest in Manhattan on a frigid February night in 2014, I learned to lap dance from Jo Weldon aka Jo Boobs aka the Headmistress of New York’s School of Burlesque and giggling with strangers who were also owning their power. Where’d that Emmy go? Where is she?! Surely not still in that basement! 

I don’t think she’s still down there, but she is dusty. 

This series was ready to be pulled from the depths because I need it more now than then.

When you’re in your 20s, a lot’s easier and we take it for granted. It’s easier to lose weight. Maybe you don’t have more money, but you do have more free time (which is far more coveted currency as I’ve come to learn). 

Seduce Me in 2015 was all about self-seduction, self-expression, and archetypal embodiment work when I needed it most. The revival will have this energy plus the updates of someone who’s lived and fought hard to heal old wounds, fall back in love with their own company, and claw back their appetite for life.

This challenge has already healed me by exposing how I used to think I was straight-up broken in my 20s. And now I can recognize I’m not busted. If there is anything that’s broken, it’s something embedded in my self-talk. This work is about confronting my inner critic and inner saboteur. It’s about staring it all down and saying, “I know you’re just trying to protect me from things, but I’m behind the wheel now and I’ve got it from here.”

So the bare bones of this is it will be part self-exploration, part framework to test out for yourself. I’ll throw in other supportive resources because it’s me. Gift-giving is my favorite, so deal with it. And as always, I’ll never advise you to do anything that puts you in harm’s way. What I feel comfortable doing might make you gag or might be inaccessible to you. I’m not asking you to ctrl c + ctrl v my journey. I’m inviting you to witness what I have been unearthing, chucking, and transforming and to use your discernment to confront your shit too.

Consider this me making an ascent up from the underworld. And with this anabasis, I’m taking my deeply embodied, sensuous, sexual vibrancy with me. It looks different and hits different from it used to, but it’s all mine. And I refuse to let her go now that she’s been reborn.

And if you’re keen, I’d love for you to go on this journey with me. Think less Eat, Pray, Love and more Kore becoming Persephone. 

You’ve gotta go down into the underworld to earn the transformation from maiden to destruction, so we’ll start there in earnest in Part 2. 

Until the next one, I ask you to reflect on the following (yes, Seduce Me has a little homework. Surprise, surprise! You don’t transform because of vibes alone.):

What part(s) of you feels lost or as though it/they died long ago? 

What do you not do anymore and you don’t have an immediate/suitable response for you ditched it? Was it abrupt or did it taper off over time?

Who were you before you succumbed to the pressure of what’s normal or acceptable for a person of your age (or gender, etc)?

Envision when you feel the most restricted or constricted. Who or what comes to mind? 

Give ‘em a real think, I dare you. Maybe even jot down your answers and message ‘em to me if you want to be an outstanding student and get extra credit. If what comes through for you makes you feel a little cringe, lean in. That’s how you know you’re tapping into something extra juicy. 

That’s all for this one. 

I’ll see ya down below.